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Running From Lack

Updated: Jul 4, 2020

I thought if I just get my education, move to my next opportunities and follow the rules everything will be good. Thank you life, me for being annoying (said with LOVE hehe) and COVID-19 for

really keeping me up at night lately!!

I was not fully depending on God but letting the control part of my anxiety make me think I had the answers. Now I’m at a crossroads and I need to fully submit to him, which feels uncomfortable. Although I know he extends me grace I feel shameful about trying to do it myself. I thank him for everything but I still listen to the anxiety that tells me you aren’t doing enough and you can’t trust yourself so figure it out and be on guard. Those thoughts take away from his power and works in my life.

As stated in other blogs, nothing is wrong with anxiety it is an emotion often connected to our survival and it let’s us know what scares us, what we care about, etc. Sometimes though it can get in our way of living a fulfilling life where wellness is priority. That is when we need to reevaluate and move toward it instead of avoiding. Before continuing on thank your body for anxiety, that you are alive to feel it, and the messages it provides. One thing to keep in mind is that emotions are valid and not always factual. We can exist as full human beings and still get anxious or experience uncomfortable anxiety. We can also learn to notice, acknowledge, hold space for, and to challenge anxiety when it has the capacity to hinder us. A good thing also is it will wax and wane over time generally.

Now back to the blog at hand....

I thought I would never think about going into business for myself, because of the way we struggled under my father’s trials as a self employed man and my mom’s of being laid off from a well paying job without a college degree, which extended her unemployment for years. However, it has been heavy on my heart and I think God has been pointing me in that direction to take a leap of faith.

I am scared but I have choices. Recently, I have been lukewarm about acting on any of them fully. I guess that says something about me. I told ya’ll in a prior post that avoidance is my jam (smh).

I have felt my season for being tested really coming to a head and it seems I cannot run from it anymore with my type A survival mode brain. It is time to listen spiritually and trust myself while also putting in directed efforts. My plans for working through this are below. If this speaks to you, try it out with me.

-Really sitting in prayer despite my initial discomfort. If you don’t pray Melanated Girl, sit in some act of spirituality that provides you release and clarity.

-Reconnect to my values and strengths (hard for me to do under critical Kiauhna's thumb) and allow those to guide me versus what society and my past says we should do to be safe and stable.

-Vision board for my future and include all the possibilities that excite me, even the ones I am doubtful over.

-Start working on the one goal that seems most accessible.

-While also creating a short term plan with spiritual guidance that hopefully allows for relief and meeting of my basic needs. I say hopefully because tell God your plans... and you know the rest.

-Lastly, let other people in to support you, try to forgive those who you feel have modeled/ caused these survival patterns for you, and be open to adding new people who maybe can help with you goals.

I am not very open unless I deeply trust you and even then somethings I keep close to my chest. This blog is a stretch for me! I am also an introvert and have a mild touch of social anxiety so adding new people and potentially needing to trust that they can show up for me is unnerving.

Our earliest role models growing up generally try to do the best they can with what they know and some other folks in our lives are just assholes. Forgiveness is truly not for them no matter what category they fall in for you. It is about you letting go of some baggage so you have more flexibility to make the choices in your life that move you toward healing and wellness.

Let’s keep each other posted. I would love to hear your comments about this blog post. Go ahead and add them below.

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